The Realities of Radical Acceptance
Listen: 6-min read
Summary: There's a common misconception that radical acceptance is passive and promotes tolerating unhealthy situations. Yes, it is accepting things as they are, but it's more nuanced than that.
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Imagine you are overhearing the conversation of a turtle and a giraffe. The turtle is miserable and shares the wish to be like the giraffe: fast, able to see a lot more things because of the long neck, and therefore also being able to feed on fresh leaves instead of the grass that other animals have stomped down, and earthworms - who likes those anyway. The giraffe could tell that the turtle was very miserable.
And so she said, "Yes, and I wish I could hide in my shell rather than having to run for my life. But hey, I am a giraffe, and that's OK."
Radical acceptance is what it says - accepting things as they are. The turtle will always be miserable if she can't accept that she is a turtle, full stop. Wishing to be different when clearly there is no way she can have a long neck is a sure recipe for misery throughout her long life.
Refusing to accept that the world goes the way it does, that life circumstances may change from one day to the next, that at one point you are in a relationship and the next you know is that you are single again, that you lost your job, fighting what is, what is real is extremely tiring.
And we suffer as long as we resist what is here right now. We remain identified with what we wish would be, our emotions and feelings.
Accepting things for what they are doesn't mean we give up or are OK with what happened. We don't have to agree with it, yet it's right in our face.
We can't change that moment back to something we wished had happened. It's what it is.
Of course, it's hard to start from scratch when a business fails or when we need to adapt to a life without a partner. All sorts of thoughts and feelings will arise.
It's also painful to accept things as they are. It hurts.
In an earlier video this month, I suggested that ignoring those painful feelings and emotions will cause further problems as time passes, such as depression, anxiety, or addictions.
The turtle might take some time to accept that she is and will remain a turtle, but once she has bought that reality, she can start looking at her life with new eyes and see what's enjoyable about being a turtle.
So, how can we move towards fully accepting what is happening in life?
First, like many other things, radical acceptance gets easier with practice.
Secondly - very important - in certain situations, radical acceptance isn't advisable, for example, if you are in an abusive relationship, poorly treated at work, etc.
And so, check what can be changed about the situation, then decide if you want to change anything.
Be honest with yourself when you choose to stay put even though you know it's harmful to your mental, emotional and physical health. Find out what you are concerned about if you would make a change.
If you genuinely can't do anything about it, see if you can change your perception about it. So if you lost your job, accept it and see if you can find a more supportive way of looking at it. Maybe you want to upgrade your skills, move to a different city, get to know new people, check out another industry, or do something you always dreamed of doing.
Then, consciously, with presence, accept what happened. You may still hurt; stay with that.
In that process, you are also starting to look for what the next step might be. So often, with radical acceptance and letting go of wishful thinking, we feel better, we sense relief, and we may even be able to tap into an inner sense of strength and, therefore, find hope.
So, if you aren't sure whether it would help you to accept a situation or not, reach out to a professional or to a mentor to discuss your situation.
As a little guideline - if the situation would get better if you would take some action to change it - then work on mustering the courage to make a change.
Ask for help and support. You are not alone.
Thank you for tuning in. Let me know if I can be of any help.
Until soon,
Take good care.