Stop Over-apologizing
Listen: 5-min read
Summary: There’s a reason why some of us over-apologize. Is it to be polite or are we people-pleasers? Where does people-pleasing come from? I also discuss ways to break this pattern.
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Some of us tend to apologize a lot, even for things they have no control over.
What signal do you send out when you apologize for the slightest little thing, things you haven’t been involved with and so have no reason to apologize for?
“I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with you.” Why would you be sorry to have your own opinion?
“Sorry, I would like to order another beer.” Why say sorry, wanting to spend some money with them? They will be happy they can serve you (at least most of the time, unless the waiter has a bad day)
Or this one “Sorry to bother you” - I am guilty of this one - I often used that one when I didn’t find what I was looking for in a shop and then had to ask for assistance.
Yes, we want to be polite, not offend or hurt others and be genuinely pleasant. However, that doesn’t mean we must apologize for everything under the sun.
“Sorry, darling, that it is raining all day, and your tennis game got canceled.” It’s not in your control how the weather is today. That it rained all day isn’t your fault.
So, next time pause for a moment and feel into what you want to express.
Maybe “I sense your frustration because you did look forward to playing tennis with your friends.”
People do over-apologize for different reasons:
1. You may have difficulty staying with the discomfort that can come with differences, dissonance, or conflict. And so, rather than having someone being annoyed with you, you instead start your request with Sorry like a white peace flag, just so that you don’t get into any trouble.
2. Same goes for people-pleasers - they want to be liked by everyone around them - being liked is being safe. So if you say yes rather than no, do what others wish, there are few chances that someone will bite off your head. And so, like a male praying mantis, you carry the little gift of “Sorry” with you to ensure you stay safe.
3. Following up on the last point, saying sorry often can be a trauma response. Keeping your parents happy and not giving them any opportunity to get mad at you may have been your only way as a child not to get punished, excluded, and feel unloved. In relationships, you may fear that standing up for yourself may cause your partner to be upset with you, withdraw their love and care, and leave you alone.
4. Staying small and under the radar may have kept you safe and connected in the past. However, this lack of self-worth, feeling unimportant and without value, will be picked up by others when you apologize constantly.
5. Lastly, perfectionists dislike not being at the top of their game. They find it painful to admit to others that they couldn’t live up to expectations, theirs or others. And so, it’s a way to lessen the guilt of not having done the best they can.
There are many reasons, yet these are the tip of the iceberg. Underneath those patterns often are deep hurts, ingrained messages of not being worthy, not good enough, that staying small will keep you safe, and guilt.
Now, what can you do about it?
First, for me, is to look for the deeper reasons why you feel you need to apologize.
The different possibilities I mentioned earlier are just some potential reasons; take some time to find out what your motivation is.
Explore other ways of expressing yourself, and see how you can leave those three words for when they are needed, meaning when your actions and words hurt someone, not just your mere existence.
Find out who you are beneath your fears, doubts, and patterns. Then, work on your confidence and self-worth so you can unapologetically live your values.
Strengthen your resilience so you can remain calm and assured in conflict situations.
Practice reframing your beliefs - for example This is my fault to “I can see how we all played a role in this situation.”
Look for a friend to point out the situations when you apologize for no reason, as often it’s habitual, and talk to a coach, counselor, or therapist for professional advice and help.
I look forward to seeing you here again next Thursday.
Until then, take good care.