The How-tos of Saying Sorry
Listen: 6-min read
Summary: We talk about what makes an apology good and what makes it insincere. I also discuss forgiveness, guilt, shame and fear of rejection.
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In the heat of an argument, when there is a firework of triggers going on and emotions and feelings are sparking left, right, and center, it’s easy to say things that we regret once things cool off again.
Have you ever experienced a friend or co-worker apologizing after a disagreement with “I am sorry,” and you felt it wasn’t genuine?
And there were times when someone genuinely meant that they were sorry for upsetting you, and hearing those three words wasn’t enough to forgive them, reconnect and move on.
Apologizing isn’t often easy - we feel ashamed, are mad with ourselves for not having been kinder, wiser, etc. We may fear rejection by the other person, still having to face their anger, or we fear coming across as weak when we apologize. It’s hard to admit that we were inconsiderate, behaved like an elephant in the glasshouse, and ruined dinner by acting up or being selfish.
Taking some time to examine why it’s hard for you to apologize is essential because a sincere apology is the best way to heal a rift, help reconnect and build a stronger foundation in a relationship.
On the other end of the spectrum are those who over-apologize due to a lack of self-worth, fear of conflict and disconnection, poor boundaries, co-dependency issues, or believe everything is their fault. Apologizing often for no reason makes others wonder whether you really mean it.
So there is more to a genuine apology than simply saying I am sorry.
A good apology starts with introspection about what you did wrong and how it affected the other person. It also helps to take a moment to put yourselves into their shoes and explore how it must have been from their point of view. You then want to reach out to the other person to see whether they would be ready to discuss the incident. Maybe they still need time to sort things out with themselves and move from anger and hurt to where they feel prepared to hear you out.
When they are ready, it’s essential to share that you are sorry for your hurtful actions, words, and role in the situation. It’s not about finding excuses for why you did it but apologizing for what you did. Again, it’s not about you but them and their feelings.
This helps the other person to know that they matter; they feel seen and heard, and their feelings acknowledged.
One of the big NO’s is this kind of apology.
“I am sorry you feel that way.” this implies that we believe they should feel different about it than they do. Really? They feel the way they do, and who are we to judge that? Saying sorry this way is dismissive and judgmental and signals that we don’t care about what is going on for them. It also puts the responsibility for the situation on them rather than us.
How does that sound instead?
‘What I said the other day was unfair and rude, and I can see how this hurt your feelings. I am sorry.’
“ I lied to you and broke your trust. It was the wrong thing to do, and I apologize.”
If you have the courage for a much deeper conversation, invite the person to share how it felt for them. What else would they like to share?
You might want to practice empathic listening here and add some reflections to let the other person know you understand what they are sharing.
Finally, explore how you or both of you can do better next time when a similar situation arises. Of course, please learn from the experience, and let’s accept that ingrained patterns and triggers don’t disappear overnight. So it helps to discuss how you can help each other navigate such fall-backs.
What about forgiveness?
Sometimes you will be forgiven quickly, and other times your partner, friend, or co-worker may still take some time to forgive fully. So again, it’s ok - acknowledge that they process at their own time.
Most importantly, you jumped over your shadow and apologized with sincerity.
This is the key to mending the relationship and keeping the communication channel open, even just a bit.
Here is a quick recap:
Reflect on how you contributed to the discord
Express your sincere regret about your actions or words
If possible, find out more about how the other person felt and what they needed
Explore what you can do differently next time and implement action steps accordingly
Thank you for watching this video - I hope it will help you improve your relationships.
In my next video, I will explore the habit of over-apologizing. It would be lovely to see you here again next Thursday.
Until then, take good care.