The Burden of Choice: Navigating Life’s Toughest Decisions
Life confronts us with choices around nearly every corner. Yet decision-making can still leave us stumped and stressed, especially when facing major crossroads. Even merely weighing the pros and cons rationally can feel like being stuck in perpetual indecision. Many of my clients feel torn between two appealing options and become focused on which path is “right”.
While more choices theoretically offer more freedom, psychologist Barry Schwartz examines in his book “The Paradox of Choice” how having too many options fuels unhappiness. The elusive quest for “the best” is often fruitless and prevents action.
Core Decision-Making Roadblocks
1. Torn Between Options Without Clarity
A lack of clarity fuels anxiety. This is more so when a choice stands to significantly impact our future reality. We can easily fall into analysis paralysis, endlessly toggling between the choices and even hoping that a winner pops up rather magically.
For big decisions such as those around relationships, relocation, and careers, reasonable arguments often exist for both sides, and a clear-cut answer may not be obvious. The question is, does a search for a “perfect choice” inhibit us from taking the necessary leap?
2. Over-Influenced By Others’ Wants and Expectations
Human beings are highly social creatures. We often look outside ourselves to what others value when making personal decisions. Our decision-making process can also bring in feelings of guilt if we believe we will be inconveniencing those we love or even causing them pain.
There are many reasons we may override our inner truth. In this way, perhaps even without realising it, we may make choices that are not for our best and do so out of obligation. We may overlook opportunities or relationships that actually suit us better.
While we all know about peer pressure, we may not realise how much we actually default to others’ expectations and societal norms. The path of least resistance may just be choosing the “standard path” or following the milestones others treasure in order to avoid judgment or disapproval.
3. Fear of Making the “Wrong” Choice
Believing that there is only one right choice is a mental trap. The reality is that we have to continue to make choices again and again, and life is a path of all the choices. As children, we’ve likely been taught that one choice can mean a good life or a rotten life, and this “one choice” mentality has been inculcated into many people. This makes adults fearful of making that one bad choice. Being fixated on worst-case scenarios rather than seeing potential positive outcomes can lead to avoidance, paralysis, and self-doubt.
“Not making a decision is making a decision.”
4. Emotional Reasoning Clouds Judgment
Emotions inherently influence our choices. Depending on how we feel, a choice can feel right one day, only to feel like the bad one on another day. Shifting moods and emotional projections can breed deeper anxiety. Emotions can distort the decision-making process.
Do you struggle with making decisions, especially what may be life-changing choices? If so, read on for suggestions to cut through the anxiety and confusion.
Photo by Unseen Studio on Unsplash
While major decisions certainly carry challenges, having useful frameworks can help create clarity.
1. Cartesian Coaching Questions
Named after French philosopher René Descartes, this approach invites questioning assumptions through four key inquiries, for example, around career options:
What would happen if you did X?
What would happen if you didn't do X?
What won't happen if you did X?
What won't happen if you didn't do X?
Analysing our beliefs surrounding each option often reveals projection, fears or one-sided reasoning that informs unhealthy bias. By asking “How do I know this assumption is true?” we begin dissolving distorted perceptions so we can see options accurately.
2. Move sideways to move forward
The roadblock is that we often limit ourselves to two options, either A or B. When we step aside, break away from the limited thinking of the original options, and invite creative alternatives, we may be able to find other solutions beyond the initial two.
Lateral coaching helps clients to pivot to entirely different categories by stepping out of the box they mentally confine options within. For example, a client felt that with her boyfriend moving overseas, she either had to give up her own career or break up with him. Lateraling revealed other possibilities, such as negotiating remote work with her current company and teaching English abroad. These additional options allowed room for both people to have their needs met.
3. Tracking Emotional Cues
We all have intuitive insights that can reveal which direction aligns with our truth. How intuition feels for each of us is different, and by noticing what we feel emotionally and in our physical body can highlight our intuition around each option. In Inner Relationship Focusing, we invite a felt sense for each option. Some parts may have concerns and perhaps feel anxious, overwhelmed, uncertain, or even just plain scared. By spending time with these parts, we can hone into important somatic clues that exist in our powerful mental chatter. Tracking our emotional cues can provide inner wisdom to guide us toward the decision that’s correct for us.
And if none of the above was of any help, you might want to try toss a coin:
“If you can’t decide between two choices, flip a coin. When it’s in the air you’ll know which side you’re hoping for.”
The Journey Over The Destination
We often say it’s the journey that matters. This is true even for making decisions. Rather than rushing to achieve a sense of certainty, see if you can linger in the space of uncertainty to allow different layers of your circumstances and what you perceive as options to arise. Fixating on a solution as quickly as possible is often an attempt to relieve our fears.
Remember that regardless of what you choose, it is one choice in time. Also how you move through the process, including how you handle uncertainty, the discomfort of not knowing, and allowing yourself the time to connect with your inner truth, can bring a great sense of fulfilment.