The Longing to Belong
When I started school, I learned what it meant to be different. We had moved from Portugal back to Germany, and I went to a local school. It was a bit of a culture shock, and it didn't help that I was dropped off and picked up by a military car since my dad was working in the army. So there was that… We also lived in the countryside, and the first friends I made were farmers' children. I was a city girl, and I didn't speak their dialect. “Not speaking their language” also left a mark. Apparently, I stopped speaking Portuguese which I was fluent in from living there for four years.
Then we moved from one federal state to another. Again, a language issue I only learned about many years later when friends told me they hardly understood me when I joined their class. I don’t remember this being an issue for me at the time. Maybe unconsciously, it made me feel like an outsider, not belonging to the group. So again, I felt different. On top of that, it was a challenging time being a teen, with group dynamics, hormone changes, family issues, and having other interests than most of my friends. It was a wonderful mix to find one's identity and where to belong.
The need to belong
In many conversations with clients, the need to belong comes to the surface sooner or later. Not feeling understood, not being seen, heard, or valued, the sense of longing to belong is often hidden at first; yet, it's there, informing our actions and our way of living.
BELONGING
The word “belonging” has different connotations;
for me, it means being accepted, connected, and included, having found your place in a relationship or group.
Photo by Jed Villejo on Unsplash
It's not exaggerated to say that we live in a divided society and that despite many efforts, inclusion and accepting different worldviews, ways of being, and living requires constant work. Given that no two people are the same, can we move away from focusing on what's different and thus strange to how the difference can complement and enrich our life experience?
Trying to fit in
Our feeling of belonging is tightly linked to our sense of self. Therefore, if we struggle with low self-worth and self-esteem, it's more likely that we do our best to fit in. We get molded by our family lineage, other people's values, and stereotypical views of a society mainly concerned with conformity and productivity.
Depending on what we have come to experience, we often learn very soon that it means trouble, alienation, exclusion, judgment, or devaluation if we don't align ourselves with these norms.
Fitting in and not rocking the boat has secured survival through the ages and ensured that we would be safe and taken care of, and this has been deeply ingrained into our psyche.
So it doesn't take much to feel alone and excluded, especially when one's self-worth is not sufficiently developed.
It's certainly a journey to accept ourselves the way we are, have the confidence to stand our ground, and find out how and what we plan to contribute to this world.
We all come into this world with an innate sense of belonging, wholeness, and completeness. Depending on our soul's life plan, this innate knowledge can be forgotten when life unfolds with its rich menu of experiences and life lessons.
The sooner we examine our belief systems and discover our inner sense of worth, the easier it is to accept who we are and to see the value we bring to others by being ourselves.
Away from me and myself
While we all desire to belong, how we fulfill this desire is very individual. For some, this need gets satisfied by joining a sports team, a church, or becoming part of a voluntary organization. Others feel they belong when they have a small but close group of friends. However, being surrounded by other people may increase the sense of loneliness instead of a feeling of belonging.
What makes us say these are my people?
What comes to mind are acceptance and support, and a sense of community, of shared values, ideas, and vision.
Photo by Yael Hofnung on Unsplash
So, to experience a deep sense of belonging, it's essential to move away from me and myself to us and the whole. Away from separation, right, and wrong to contributing, enrichment, learning, and mutual benefit. Suppose we understand that what divides us is a lack of curiosity and empathy, a rigid mindset, ignorance, the belief that we know better, and the expectation that the world should work our way. In that case, we have one key to creating a more inclusive and supportive community.
People want to feel they matter, that who they are and what they believe is relevant. And therefore, the need to belong sometimes interferes with the need for individuality and authenticity.
The more welcoming the environment and the community, the easier it will be to feel included and valued as an individual.
Ultimately, it depends on each of us how open-minded and tolerant we can be about other people's beliefs, how they live their lives, and how they want to express themselves.
It also depends on our capacity to listen empathically, to take the time to understand the other person, to put ourselves in their shoes, and discover how they can widen our horizon about life and living.
Focusing and Inner Dynamics Coaching are two modalities that can help you understand your feeling of isolation and longing to belong.